long time no post.
I am still alive and kicking.
Are you still out there?
God is so wonderful, I'd never be able to put it into words.
Sometimes He just steps into our lives and it's instantaneous - nothing will be the same again.
I'm going to write about what happened this afternoon to me. God came to me and I didn't deserve it. It just underlines how good He is.
As many of you will know I suffer with depression. Praise God that He has been gradually but steadily taking this from me. I knew it wasn't to be an instantaneous healing for me but that there would definitely be healing there - one of the first things I ever remember God speaking to me on.
So the last few days I have really been struggling with my feelings. I was getting locked into a depressive downward spiral and the enemy was really attacking my faith. I questioned whether I believed in God at all - more than questioned, I felt like I didn't believe at all and was living a lie.
This morning in the communion service it was like a tug of war, like a battle. I could see all my faith and hope and belief draining away - which frightened me because there seemed like nothing I could do about it - except to keep in my head the knowledge that even if I didn't feel like I had anything to base the belief on I had made the decision in my mind to believe in Christ and trust Him.
When I got home I cooked myself some lunch, did any kind of mundane things to try to distract myself from the mess that was inside my head. I got about half way through the afternoon.
Eventually I just went and lay across my bed and stated the facts. I didn't know if there was a God who was listening. I said something like "I know I don't believe. I want to believe."
This is the bit that it will be hard to find words for.
As I laid down the truth about the thoughts I was struggling with, very gently Jesus came into the room and I ran into His arms. I knew right then that of course I believed - I mean, here He was.
I was just lost in worship right there. All the dark thoughts melted away with His hand on my heart. Of course I am His, I am redeemed, He loves me and yes, I don't deserve it but He's dealt with all my sin.
It was such a beautiful time and it didn't end. I don't know how long I was there for but afterwards I turned to my Bible and for some reason started reading Colossians. I'm so glad that book is in the Bible. It speaks of Christ - the visible image of the invisible God, such beautiful pictures of Himself.
I was - and am - so aware that God is with me, and the mystery of that sticks with me that I just want to tell it to everyone. God is with us. God Is With Us. GOD IS WITH US.
Tonight in the meeting I was so aware of Him, close to me. During the preaching I just wanted to praise Him as He spoke into my heart again. He truly is a wonderful God, and rightly does the glory belong to Him.
I know I haven't managed to describe at all the glory of His presence. But I know He has touched me today and changed me. Blessed be His Name.
I just had a couple of Mormons coming to the door. They were American and wanted to tell me all about the Book of Mormon. It was lovely to tell them about the truth of Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives. Usually I would be terrified and not know what to say but this time I could confess Christ before men and explain why I believe the Bible is the final revelation from God to man. They were also quite interested to know what pentecost was so I explained that in terms of the New Testament book of Acts and I think they were a bit thrown by what I had to say, they both seemed a bit lost for words any way!
I felt good afterwards that I had not backed away and said nothing which is what I would usually do.
True freedom is in Christ alone.
Leave a comment on this entry and I'll reply with something I like about you.
(apologies if I take my time about it! I have less time for computing now that I actually have RL friends and things to do!)
I got the job!!!
Now I can relax and look forward to Fire Conference knowing my future is secure until August 2007.
I don't know how you legal folk out there do it. Seriously.
I've spent the last couple of days reading up on the legal aspects of my work in psychiatry and I can feel my mind switching off after a paragraph. I think I was irreversibly lost in the bit about competence, diminished responsibility and mens rea - what is that in English anyway???
Have just about managed to get my head round the 1983 Mental Health Act - the main relevant sections to me anyway and I am very surprised by the difference between this and the Scottish Act which was what I learned in medical school. In Scotland the initial section would be a 24 or 25, depending on whether the person is in the community or in hospital at the time of detention and legally all that is required is the signature of any fully registered doctor. You are supposed to get consent from next of kin and/or Mental Health Officer but this can be bypassed if it is not practical. There is no right to treat with this section, it lasts for 72 hours and has no right to appeal. In England the most common sections are 2 and 3, the initial section 2 lasts for 28 days with right to appeal but needs 2 doctors (one approved) and an Approved Social Worker to implement it.
It's interesting looking at how different things are on either side of the border.
Went out to Starbucks today and because they messed up my sandwich order I ended up getting a free lunch and a free hot chocolate with cream. That was worthwhile if I can just live down the calories! Made up for all the money I saved in Starbucks by buying a book at Borders. Oh well, never mind.
Saw the new carpet at church last night. It looks fab. We've had the old one for so long it was older than me, the new one is dark blue and very luxurious feeling. Bouncy!!! We've had the whole of the inside of church repainted as well and the woodwork done so it looks very nice all done. We are also going to be getting new chairs so watch this space!
It's fire conference next weekend!
I've got an interview next week for a job in Huddersfield.
I need to get a job, part time or full time I don't really mind.
Please pray I get it if it is God's will, if not then pray that I will be guided to the right job.
First of all I better say that I have not read my friends page in too long and I can't face the thought of going back all that way to catch up. If I've missed anything important I'm sure you'll let me know.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.
It all links in with the change in career that I have embraced fully now, I've applied for a job in psychiatry for February and intend on applying for a run through training post for August 2007. I have been really exhilarated by the time I've been spending working in psychiatry and I look forward to starting work properly. On that matter I'd appreciate prayers for a job for February for me.
The really big matter however that I think I've tentatively come to a decision about is whether to continue working part time or not. Over the recent past this has been a life saver and a job saver for me, allowing me to get my life back together after a prolonged serious relapse. However now things are better I am finding that I need to be busy and I have too much time on my hands and I am getting really bored. I think I could manage 5 days in a row with the occasional weekend thrown in IF the workload is right. I know that psychiatry is generally much lighter than obs and gynae and with that in mind I think I could do it. There's much less of a frenetic pace in psychiatry compared with a labour ward or A&E, you don't get people collapsing in front of you like happened to me on Monday and I wouldn't have to do any surgery which was never my forte. A bit of ECT now and then would be all, or possibly the odd naltrexone implant. The more I think about it and pray about it the more positive I feel about it. And this is from me who never feels positive about anything. If I did go back to full time it would have the added advantage that I'd be able to afford to live again, payday would be a slightly better prospect knowing that there would be enough money to pay the rent and buy food.
So I think I've virtually decided to go back to full time.
I hope this isn't a silly idea and I'll talk to the deanery about it before I do anything. And yes, continue to pray because I know I'm not fully well yet, not by a long way.
Let's leave it there shall we?
Right through to my socks. Yuck.
The Driving Permit
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You improve your school work, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been proud of you. You have improved your school work, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"